Gastritis

I feel this pain, eating my flesh, keeping me awake for days and nights. It's as if hell were inside me, burning me, and I have looked for ways to make it leave, but it always comes back. I feel this pain that won't let me think, that simply takes me and won't let me live the life I planned for myself. Doctors say I need to take care of myself, people say I have to build healthier habits. I stopped drinking, I barely smoke, I haven't eaten anything that should hurt me. But the pain won't leave. It consumes me and shows up whenever it decides to. They say it's the fruit of my feelings — badly resolved, badly lived, badly immortalised.

How am I supposed to get everything I feel out of me so that this pain stops? Everything looks like a dead end; the more I run the deeper I fall into the black hole, the harder I try the more exhausted I live. I am tired of living in pain, I just wanted it to stop hurting. I've tried everything to live without it, but it seems it won't leave me, no matter how hard I beg every god I know. All I wanted was to live without pain.

And this is about gastritis, and about the greater pain that causes the gastritis.

Gabriela Oyara